COOLRANCH
by Zetran
Summary: The TRUE and HONEST remake of Final Fantasy VII.


The city lights flew past him in a multi-colored blur. The train chugged along, hurriedly pulling into the station before it halted with a long screech.

Two of his team members jumped off the train and attacked the soldiers at the station, quickly and easily knocking them out. They ran ahead, and a dark-skinned man hopped off the train as well.

The ex-SOLDIER jumped off the train, hearing slight crackling. This didn't concern him, however. He was used to the sound.

The dark-skinned man, the leader of his group, looked at him with authority. His padded bra made his extra extra extra large shirt ride up to the point where his entire midriff was exposed. His fake boobs were almost bigger than his own head, and they stuck out a foot in front of him.

"C'mon, newcomer. Follow me," he said before sauntering off fabulously in his high platform heels.

The ex-SOLDIER looted the unconscious bodies, finding a potion in the pockets of each soldier, and ran off to follow his teammates before getting stopped.

Two infantrymen. They stared at him with their guns held up, but they were more baffled than anything. The ex-SOLDIER rolled his eyes and swung his massive sword, cutting the army men into pieces and spraying blood everywhere. He ran yet again without looking back, because that's exactly what manly serial killers do, goddammit. Blood drenched his face and clothes, making him feel nasty, but he didn't care. He was MANLY. And AWESOME. In fact, he felt his MANLY points increase, and his muscles bulged with extra AWESOME as he leveled up. Level 7 on Final Fantasy 7? META AS HELL. MANLY. AWESOME.

The ex-SOLDIER turned a corner, went through the doorway, and then stopped in front of a metal door where his team members stood in a semi-circle.

One of them, the more muscled man wearing a tank top and sporting a slight tan, turned towards him and excitedly said, "Wow! You used to be in SOLDIER, all right!" He went a little quiet. "...Not every day ya find one in a group like AVALANCHE."

"SOLDIER?" the only woman in the team said. She was busy deciphering the door's code. "Aren't they the enemy? What's he doing with us in AVALANCHE? And why is he fighting while on his period?"

"Hold it, DORITOS. He _was_ in SOLDIER. He quit them and is now one of us." Again the man turned to the ex-SOLDIER. "I didn't catch your name..."

"It's Dorito," the ex-SOLDIER said impatiently.

"Dorito, eh? I'm—"

"I don't care what your names are. Once this job's over, I'm outta here to drown myself in nacho cheese."

The other man – a fatter, paler one – cut in. "Hey, what flavor is your hair? And can I have some?"

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IT'S NOT YOURS," Dorito screamed, grasping at his hair which was made entirely out of nacho cheese doritos. He took care to not break any of the pieces off. It pissed him off to no end when his hair was ruined in any way. But nothing was worse to him than—

His thoughts were interrupted by a series of loud crunches. All of a sudden, he was aware of a pair of fake honkers pressed against his back. He craned his neck trying to turn around and caught a glimpse of his leader munching on his dorito hair.

"What the hell you all doin'?!" the leader yelled, bits of dorito flying out of his mouth, some of them landing on Dorito's furious face, some getting stuck in his beard. "I thought I told you to never move in a group!" He finished the dorito in his fingers and licked them afterwards. "Mmm, fucking good cheese," he muttered before reaching forward to pluck another chip from Dorito's hair.

Dorito angrily moved away, taking deep breaths. His MANLY urges to beat someone's ass were rising...

"Anyways," the leader said, getting back to the mission at hand, "our target's the North Mako Reactor. We'll meet on the bridge in front of it."

DORITOS finally managed to decipher the code, causing the door to open up. She and the other two ran through it quickly, leaning forward and sticking their arms out behind them to do the Naruto run.

The leader stomped forward in his platform heels, wiggling his fake tits and ass as he walked in front of Dorito and faced him. "Ex-SOLDIER, huh? Don't trust ya!"

Dorito merely grit his teeth and said nothing. He wanted his money. He needed his blackjack and hookers when it was time for him to chill later. Fucking BUBBLES. He was the leader of AVALANCHE, but he was a big poopy doo-doo head.

"If you push the Directional button while pushing the bracket CANCEL bracket button to run, earlier marked Ⓧ."

BUBBLES ran to join the rest, leaving Dorito standing there to try to find out what in the living fuck he just said and what the hell it was supposed to mean. The nacho-haired man looked up at the Sector 1 reactor, giving it a quick glance before he too did the Naruto run to join everyone else.

Dorito did the Naruto run as quickly and as epic as he could, following the others to the bridge right in front of the reactor. On the way over there, he cut up more infantryment and random dogs to become more MANLY and AWESOME, and consequently covered himself in even more blood. Tonight was mothafucking tampon night. He slowed down to a walk, leaving bloody footprints everywhere to spread his period blood.

BUBBLES, DORITOS, and that one other guy were waiting there.

"Yo! This your first time being in a reactor?" BUBBLES asked, jiggling his titties.

"No. After all, I did work for Shinra, y'know," Dorito said, holding his arms over his hair so nobody could eat it.

BUBBLES stuck his ass out and spread his legs, doing a semi-split and said, "The planet's full of Mako energy. People here use it every day via a suppository."

Dorito shrugged.

BUBBLES was really butt-hurt now. "It's the lifeblood of this planet. But Shinra keeps suckin' the blood out with their assholes."

"I'm not here to listen to you go on about ass vampires. Let's just hurry."

"That's it!" BUBBLES yelled. "I'm coming with you from now on!"

Dorito looked at BUBBLES with a confused expression. He backed away slowly when BUBBLES strutted towards him, immediately covering his hair up. BUBBLES broke out into a majestic run, forcing Dorito to turn around and speed the other way.

Dorito's eyes bulged out and he screamed, "SPICY SWEET CHILI!"

BUBBLES jumped high into the air and did several flips, moving downwards into a swan dive. Dorito's mouth was wide open; he couldn't hold his shock in.

It was too late as BUBBLES quite literally dived into his mouth. Dorito staggered backwards, feeling his stomach stretch out as nausea set in.

"I feel so unclean," Dorito choked out, looking down at his stomach. He looked pregnant.

The fit-looking guy – "His name is COOL," BUBBLES shouted within his stomach – hit a button and said, "Code deciphered."

"Uhh, guys?" Dorito waddled over to the now-open door. "You realize he just jumped into my mouth...right?"

COOL and DORITOS ignored him and moved on to the next door, continuing as if nothing had happened at all. Dorito huffed and waddled as fast as he could after them, panting heavily.

When he finally caught up, he was in an elevator.

"Push that button over there," DORITOS said, standing around for some strange butt-fucking reason.

"Push it yourself, goddamn," Dorito groaned.

DORITOS did nothing. She just waited there, staring at the wall.

Dorito did the Napoleon Dynamite sigh and shuffled over to press the down button.

"Switch. On," a robotic voice said, burping out the words. The elevator lurched downwards all of a sudden, making Dorito gag and struggle to hold his vomit in.

He tried in vain. Drool poured out of his mouth like a waterfall. He burped and heaved, and then felt BUBBLES come up and out of his throat.

"Little by little," BUBBLES said, getting to his feet and flicking some of Dorito's drool off of him, "those assholes – pun not intended – will drain out all the life. And that'll be that."

"It's not my problem," Dorito groaned. He was in so much pain he couldn't think straight.

BUBBLES pounded at his boobs as if he were a gorilla. "The planet's dyin', cheese head!"

Dorito shook his head and muttered, "Not this bullshit again." He sighed. "The only thing I care about is finishin' this job before security and Robocop come."

BUBBLES turned around, facing a nonexistent camera, and struck a pose. He bent over forward, putting his right fist in front of him and making his entire body tremble.

"I! AM! ANGER!" BUBBLES roared. "RAWR!"

BUBBLES then turned back to Dorito, giving him a rape face. Dorito panicked and tried to back away, but to no avail. BUBBLES grabbed him by the head, forced his mouth open, stuck his leg inside, and proceeded to climb back into Dorito's stomach. Tears streamed down Dorito's face, and he gagged. The first time was bad, but the second time was even worse, and he wanted to throw up so badly. He thought he was going to explode...

The elevator suddenly stopped. Dorito fell onto his knees as DORITOS ran out. The ex-SOLDIER panted and pushed himself up onto his feet and waddled out. He struggled to breathe; every step forward made pain shoot up his stomach and sides. He drooled uncontrollably.

"Oh, SPICY FUCKIN' NACHO!" Dorito yelled when he reached the stairs. He groaned and held his breath, trying to suck his gut in as much as possible as he marched towards the steps.

...and slipped and slid down, his ass taking the abuse of far too many steps to count. When he reached the bottom, he could barely even move anymore.

Gritting his teeth, Dorito grabbed onto the banister and heaved himself up, crying out in pain. His ass was broken. It just had to be.

Dorito dragged his feet, trying to get ahead, when he reached _another_ staircase. This time, all he could manage to do was let out another Napoleon Dynamite sigh. He hoisted himself up onto the rail and decided to slide down.

He cried out in agony when he got to the bottom and flew off, landing on his broken butt. He lifted his head and nearly sobbed in relief when he saw that the door was right in front of him. Standing up again, Dorito waddled over to the door and opened it.

Dorito frowned. He nearly McFreakin' lost his shit. He punched his stomach and heaved, throwing up and forcing BUBBLES to get out.

BUBBLES waggled his arms like an inflatable tube man and ranted and raved about getting evicted.

"Fuck no, motherfucker, you're going to fucking walk!" Dorito snapped. He did the Naruto run forward and leaped over a random hole before catching up to DORITOS.

"Push the bracket OK bracket button in front of a ladder to grab it. After that, use the bracket Directional button bracket to move up and down," she said.

"What the hell is this, a video game?" Dorito asked rhetorically.

DORITOS, as usual, didn't answer and jumped up 20 feet in the air before landing on the top of the ladder and climbing down. Dorito shook his head jumped just as high, copying everything his partner was doing. Somehow, BUBBLES was able to do the exact same thing in his heels with no problem whatsoever.

When DORITOS reached the bottom, she ran off into a corner and stood there. Dorito didn't bother questioning it. He found more stairs and ladders and moved on, ignoring BUBBLES's complaining.

"I mean, come on! You're the lazy one here! All you have to do is work with me!"

"Work with you how?" Dorito struggled to keep his temper in check.

"We're supposed to be moving in a _group_. Me and you. To do that, I have to get inside you, so we can be one person."

Chills ran up Dorito's spine. "That sounds like a _really_ bad porno..."

"Ewwwwugh!"

Dorito hurriedly climbed down one particularly long ladder. He eventually reached the bottom and turned to see a floating, rotating question mark.

"What the hell is that?" He walked over to it. Nothing happened. He tried to touch it, but his arm when through it. As another test, he stood right in the middle of it.

"Save point," a random voice said from nowhere. "Access the Menu and select SAVE to save your game."

"Some people say life is a game, but this is just ridiculous," Dorito muttered. He scratched the back of his head and crossed a long bridge. He walked over to the rail and bent over it, trying to look down.

Mako glowed vividly. Looking at it made him thirsty for some reason.

Dorito moved away from the rail and did the Naruto run all the way until he reached the end of the bridge. There, he saw a wheel attached to some machinery which he didn't care about and didn't matter here anyways because this is Final Fantasy VII and nobody gives two poops about Mako reactors.

Dorito bent over to pick up a marble. But it wasn't any ordinary marble. He quickly identified it as a Restore materia before putting it into his pocket and walking towards the wheel. BUBBLES followed and stood next to him.

"When we blow this place," BUBBLES said, "this ain't gonna be nothin' more than a hunka junk."

"Just like your trunk," Dorito said. "Watch those double negatives, honey."

BUBBLES frowned. He was obviously trying to keep his temper in check. "Dorito, you set the bomb."

"Shouldn't _you_ do it?"

"Just do it! I gotta make sure you don't pull nothin'."

"Fine," Dorito said, annoyed. "Be my guest."

Suddenly, Dorito's vision was filled with red, and he tiptoed around like a ballerina as a migraine hit him. His ears rang as his head was wracked with pain.

 _Watch out! This isn't just a normal reactor!_

"...What's wrong?" BUBBLES asked.

Dorito drooled. "Huh?"

"Hurry it up!"

The ringing stopped, and he could finally see normally again. "Yeah, sorry." Dorito walked forward to the wheel and placed the bomb, making super AWESOME and geeky computer noises. With one last beep, the bomb was set.

An alarm blasted throughout the entire reactor.

"Heads up, here they come!" BUBBLES said, brandishing his gun arm.

The world melted. No, it really did. The next thing Dorito knew, he and BUBBLES were facing a giant robot scorpion with machine guns. The room they had been in was ten times bigger than it was before, and Dorito could do nothing but stand there in confusion.

The scorpion wasn't doing anything, either. It was squatting and doing some sort of dance. But then it beamed a light right on Dorito, and all of a sudden, things became AWESOME.

Out of nowhere, BUBBLES burst into flames.

"Spicy goddamn nacho!" Dorito blurted out, backing away.

BUBBLES pulled his gun arm back and aimed at the scorpion. The fire flowed over to the barrel of the gun and accumulated itself into one big ball. BUBBLES held his arm steady, and then shouted, "Money Shot!"

The fireball shot towards the scorpion's robotic torso and turned into a giant bag of money. Upon impact, the bag exploded and coins shot everywhere.

Dorito ducked to avoid the shrapnel. The scorpion continued to stand there and do its little dance.

"Are you going to just stand there or what?"

"You can shoot money out of your gun! What the hell!" Dorito activated his materia and cast Bolt.

"Yeah. So?" BUBBLES cocked his arm and began shooting.

"What do you mean, so? You could make a fortune—!"

Dorito was cut off as the scorpion turned around and stabbed him with its tail. He couldn't even scream when it took it out and left him there, bleeding.

BUBBLES walked over to Dorito and spilled a potion on him, causing Dorito to get back on his feet. Dorito gasped as he burst into flames.

He felt energized. Stronger. More powerful. AWESOME and MANLY. His stomach hurt, which was neither AWESOME nor MANLY, but then he blasted an AWESOME and MANLY fart. Nacho cheese squirted out of his butt and formed itself into a cheesy tornado, spinning around slowly, then faster and faster.

"DIARRHEA NACHONADO!" Dorito shouted, farting even harder to launch the tornado at the scorpion.

The guard scorpion recoiled as the cheese engulfed it. However, it quickly broke out of the thick liquid and was soon back on its robot feet.

Then the stench came. BUBBLES and Dorito gagged so hard, they were sure they were going to throw up.

The scorpion beamed a green light onto Dorito again. Dorito activated his materia and cast Bolt on the robot, watching as the spark ran through its metallic body. BUBBLES used his machine gun arm to unleash a round of ammo at it, making Dorito duck to avoid the ricocheting bullets.

The scorpion trembled and shakily raised its tail up in the air, pointing it right between BUBBLES and Dorito.

"Attack while its tail is up!" Dorito blurted out. "It's gonna counterattack with its laser."

BUBBLES automatically raised his gun and shot at the scorpion.

The robot fired a laser from its tail and swiped it over both BUBBLES and Dorito, gravely injuring the two of them.

"What the HELL!" Dorito fished a potion out of his pocket and drank it quickly.

"You told me to attack it!"

Dorito stammered for a minute. "I meant _don't_ attack it! If you do, it'll counterattack with its laser!"

"You lying son of a bitch!" BUBBLES chugged a potion down. "What the hell are you trying to pull?"

The scorpion lowered its tail before Dorito could reply. The ex-SOLDIER immediately activated his materia and cast Bolt again. BUBBLES shot at the scorpion, refusing to stop. Dorito cast Bolt one more time, and then the robot began to turn red and fade.

BUBBLES shook his ass and did a little dance. Dorito spun his sword around in victory. Their AWESOME and MANLY levels skyrocketed, making Dorito grow to level eight while BUBBLES grew to level seven.

The scorpion left an assault gun behind, which BUBBLES picked up. Then the alarm blared.

"Come on, let's get outta here!" Dorito said, running off.

 _Ten minutes to detonation!_ a voice announced.

Something appeared in the upper left corner of Dorito's vision. He turned to look at it and squinted.

"What the fuck is that?"

"That's the timer, duh!" BUBBLES said, equipping the assault gun.

The timer ticked down second by second. Dorito could only stare.

"Why the hell is it there?!"

"Uhm, we have ten minutes to like, get out. Let's go." BUBBLES danced away.

Dorito slowly followed, unable to keep his eyes off of the clock. 9:38, 9:37, 9:36 – the numbers continued to go down, and they put him on edge. He broke out into a full run, sprinting for the ladder and climbing up.

It wasn't long after he got to the top when he ran into two robo-guards. They were hunched over and wringing their hands in front of their crotches, like some sort of odd robo-pedophiles. Dorito gave them the stink eye and chopped them both in half. He tried to walk away but was stopped by BUBBLES.

"We gotta do the dance!" BUBBLES exclaimed.

"What dance?!"

"Um, victory dance? DUH!"

"We don't have time for it!"

"DANCE!" BUBBLES swung his hands around and shook his booty.

Dorito sighed, picked up his sword, and swung it around in his usual victory pose. He froze as he heard a loud crunch and he felt a breeze on his head. He looked down and screamed.

His dorito hair was scattered all over the floor. Part of his blade had cheesy dust on it.

"Dance over! Time to go!" BUBBLES sang, prancing away.

Dorito kept screaming as he followed and swung his sword wildly. He lost track of how many enemies he had killed and how many victory dances BUBBLES made him to. For a moment, he even forgot about the timer which loomed over head. He paid zero attention and continued screaming even as he climbed the ladders and waited for BUBBLES to tell COOL and RANCH to decipher the code.

"Wait... We're missing DORITOS!" RANCH exclaimed.

Dorito stopped screaming and looked at RANCH with a crazy look on his face. "YOU'RE DAMN FUCKING RIGHT WE'RE MISSING SOME DORITOS!" he yelled, touching his half-bald head and crying macaroni tears of cheesiness.

"Go get her!" BUBBLES ordered.

"We're running out of time!" Dorito shouted back, getting angry now.

"You get yo skinny, spiky ass back over there and find her before that timer gets to zero before I make you!"

Dorito narrowed his eyes at BUBBLES, silently daring him to follow through on his threat. BUBBLES pranched forward and squatted like he was about to jump.

"No no no no nonononononooooo, I'll get her, I'll get her!" Dorito gave in quickly, dashing away. He ran past all the robo-guards he came across until he finally stumbled upon DORITOS.

She kneeled in her spot, staring at her foot and shaking her head at it. Dorito ran towards her and kneeled in front of her, and she automatically stood up.

"My leg got stuck," DORITOS said. "Thanks!" She somersaulted over Dorito and ran off to join the others.

Dorito was too pissed to move for a few seconds. He took a deep breath and retraced his steps back to the group, which waited for him at the first set of metal doors.

"Code deciphered," DORITOS said, touching a button. They moved quickly, and COOL automatically deciphered the next set of doors. Dorito looked up at the clock.

Less than 15 seconds left. He leaned forward and stuck his arms out behind him, performing the fastest Naruto run he possibly could.

His ass was nearly set on fire – quite literally – as the reactor exploded behind him.

* * *

Notes:

Idea conceived: 2015年6月23日（火）

Started: 2015年6月25日（木）

Finished: 2015年9月12日（土）

Uploaded: 2015年9月13日（日）

The TRUE and HONEST remake of Final Fantasy VII, coming soon for the PlayStation! Hope you didn't get rid of your PS1, because shame on you! Only a REAL and LOYAL remake would be exclusive to PS1!

Special thanks to Jack A'Vanoh (who, incidentally, also made the cover art) and NodachiBlade. This was originally a joke that blew horrendously out of proportion. I'm just bringing them to life. ;D

Audio book version coming soon!

(If the swearing is too much for a T rating, let me know and I will raise it.)


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